people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
