I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Say something about gay babies.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
