as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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