I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
