my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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