I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
