I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
