you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My balls are so social today.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
