my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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