Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
