:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
