Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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