i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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