I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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