We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
