now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
