apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
