I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
