I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
