i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
