hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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