At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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