If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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