At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize