were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
