Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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