Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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