naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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