And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
