You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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