The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
