i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
