I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
