Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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