walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
