booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So vagazzling was a success
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
