nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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