u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
