I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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