Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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