Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
