Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
