if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize