who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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