Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
