I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
