I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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