The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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