The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
