So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
