i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
