you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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