I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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