i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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