Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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