i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
