I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
