I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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