I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
