I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
