My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Randomize
