I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
