Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
